Right now I have two homes in Mumbai. They are two apartments in the same building. One is on the 2nd/3rd floor (see Pup is not the same as Poop for an explanation) and the other is on the ground floor. When Deepal and I decided to get married he rented the apartment on the ground floor for us to live in. This apartment is not ready to be lived in yet, though. We have been busy painting it and cleaning out all the stuff left in it by the owners and previous tenant. So right now we are living with Deepal's parents in home #1, the house that he grew up in. It is a small house with one bedroom, living room, and kitchen. Deepal and his parents always felt that it was too small for 4 people. It really is. I have no where to put my things and am living out of a suitcase that just sits in the middle of the living room. And it would really be a problem when my family comes with 3 more of my suitcases in June for the wedding. So they knew when Deepal married he would move out or they would buy a bigger house. Even so, it is definitely causing some separation anxiety with his mom that we will be moving downstairs. The tradition here is that the daughter-in-law comes to live with the groom and his family in their house. And even just downstairs seems far away. Deepal's sister, for example, lives with her husband, their two kids, his parents, and his sister. Now, before all you westerners rebel at the idea, I have to say that living with the family really lightens the work load on any one person. Everyone helps watch the kids, cook, and with various chores. And for me, who is basically a helpless child here who can do almost nothing by myself, Ma and Pa have really taken care of me. They believe more seriously than I have ever encountered before that they have a new daughter. I do almost no cooking or cleaning. Just little things to help Ma sometimes. And they are very loving and welcoming. Still, I run into trouble with the cultural differences. For example, I hurt everyone's feelings if I refer to either house as not belonging to everybody. For example, to say 'Deepal's parents' house' instead of 'my' or even better, 'our house' would hurt his family's feelings. Or to refer to the house downstairs in any form of "exclusive-our (only Deepal and I)" would also hurt feelings. Both houses are equally everybody's. As illustrated when Ma asked me if someone was 'in our garden cleaning it up.' The garden is part of the downstairs house.
This clearly is very new to me, as I think any Westerner would understand. It has never been in my realm of experience to anticipate that my future-in-law's house would be as intimately mine as theirs. The yours and mine cultural difference goes for just about everything, too. I should not refer to Ma as 'Deepal's Mom' because she is equally my mom now, too. And sometimes it is difficult when Deepal refers to 'Mom' to know which one he is talking about (his or mine) because he makes no grammatical distinction between them. Actually, "Deepal's Parents' House" is offensive in two ways. 1) referring to Ma and Pa as "his" parents and not mine, and 2) referring to the house as theirs and not ours. But right now the two houses are a particularly sensitive topic because Ma is so sad that we are moving out eventually. And we have had conversations with her to assure her that we are not leaving the family, just sleeping downstairs. And between the houses it is understood that the kitchen to be used will be in the upstairs-house, so we still share meals together.
I don't help matters when I make little slip ups in my grammar or understandings of things. Just the other day when we were going through the stuff left in the downstairs-house to clean it out I came across a big bag of clothes that I thought were the previous tenant's, so I was going to get rid of them. But they were actually Ma's clothes, and Deepal was teasing me about throwing them away. In defense of my actions I said (in front of Ma) "What would Ma's clothes be doing downstairs?" She wasn't offended because she knows I'm still adjusting and whatnot, but otherwise it was an offensive statement. And then later the same night we were watching a Hindi Soap Opera with three women all talking together on a bed late at night. And I asked, "Why are they all staying together?" Another faux pas. They were sister-in-laws (something they had already told me), so 'of course' they would live together. Their husbands were brothers. There was a little tension when they answered me.
This is a pretty fundamental cultural difference. There are others, too, but this one is at the forefront right now. Although, how they ask each other for things is a big one. Probably more difficult than the yours-and-mine-difference. I'll have to talk about that one another time.
This clearly is very new to me, as I think any Westerner would understand. It has never been in my realm of experience to anticipate that my future-in-law's house would be as intimately mine as theirs. The yours and mine cultural difference goes for just about everything, too. I should not refer to Ma as 'Deepal's Mom' because she is equally my mom now, too. And sometimes it is difficult when Deepal refers to 'Mom' to know which one he is talking about (his or mine) because he makes no grammatical distinction between them. Actually, "Deepal's Parents' House" is offensive in two ways. 1) referring to Ma and Pa as "his" parents and not mine, and 2) referring to the house as theirs and not ours. But right now the two houses are a particularly sensitive topic because Ma is so sad that we are moving out eventually. And we have had conversations with her to assure her that we are not leaving the family, just sleeping downstairs. And between the houses it is understood that the kitchen to be used will be in the upstairs-house, so we still share meals together.
I don't help matters when I make little slip ups in my grammar or understandings of things. Just the other day when we were going through the stuff left in the downstairs-house to clean it out I came across a big bag of clothes that I thought were the previous tenant's, so I was going to get rid of them. But they were actually Ma's clothes, and Deepal was teasing me about throwing them away. In defense of my actions I said (in front of Ma) "What would Ma's clothes be doing downstairs?" She wasn't offended because she knows I'm still adjusting and whatnot, but otherwise it was an offensive statement. And then later the same night we were watching a Hindi Soap Opera with three women all talking together on a bed late at night. And I asked, "Why are they all staying together?" Another faux pas. They were sister-in-laws (something they had already told me), so 'of course' they would live together. Their husbands were brothers. There was a little tension when they answered me.
This is a pretty fundamental cultural difference. There are others, too, but this one is at the forefront right now. Although, how they ask each other for things is a big one. Probably more difficult than the yours-and-mine-difference. I'll have to talk about that one another time.
I thought I commented earlier, maybe the computer ate it. Or the blog.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, sounds like "Everyone Loves Raymond"? Maybe? With less passive agressiveness?
Good luck with the offensive thing, I'm basically a bull in a china shop here, I can't imagine what I would be considered there. I apparently lost points with my mother-in-law when I suggested we go drinking between Mother's Day breakfast and church (Kidding! I was kidding! Unless they took me up on it...).